Dungeons & Dumbasses
by Phil From Produce
Summary: A Dungeons & Dragons convention comes to Quahog, to which Peter is intially skeptical about, but changes his mind when he think's he's been cursed by a nerd. Meanwhile, Stewie & Brian are in Cancun, And Meg dates her Phys-ed Teacher.
1. I couldn't think of a good chapter name

Title: Family Guy; Dungeons & Dumbasses

Summary: Peter Griffin gets into dungeons and dragons, meanwhile, Meg falls in love with her substitute teacher, and Brian and Stewie aren't here because stewie won a bet and brian has to be his servant in cancun.

Rated: M for mature (Bad words, We talk about girl parts and boy parts, uh, people get hurt, so if you're one of those moms who signs permission slips for your kids, you may wanna steer clear of this one)

Disclaimer: If Seth McFarlane was a fat, ugly, gross chick with hepatitus i'd still love her.

Chapter 1 - D&D's comin' to town!

On a typical night in Quahog, Peter, Quagmire, and Joe were all sitting at the

drunken clam.

"So who would you rather do? Salma Hayek with Justin Timberlake's head, or Sofia Vergara with Leo DiCaprio's head?" asked Quagmire

"Come on, Quagmire, enough with the mans head on women's bodies questions, they're all dumb." said Joe

"Yeah Quagmire, you gotta be more innovative than that." said Peter

"Oh yeah, what's your question?" asked Quagmire to Peter

"Oh geez, would you rather be stuck on Fantasy island or Gilligan's island?" asked Peter

"That's a good one." said Joe

"Gilligan's! The girls were just beggin to get laid!" said Quagmire

(cutaway)

Ginger and Mary Ann are in their hut.

"Oh, Ginger, can you undo my top!" asked Mary Ann

"Sure, but um, I need my zipper unzipped." said Ginger very clearly and loud.

The 2 ladies undressed each other.

"I wonder if anyone's watching?" asked Ginger

"well, let em look." said Mary Ann,

"Giggity." was heard off-screen

"Gilligan! Stop spying on the girls!" yelled the Skipper

"I'm not Gilligan." said Quagmire's voice

"Oh s***!" the Skipper yelled out

(end cutaway)

"Hey, what's on the news?" asked Peter, looking at the TV

"Good evening, i'm Tom Tucker." said Tom "In the news, Quahog is having it's 6th annual Dungeons & Dragons convention at the Quahog civic centre. Cost is only 2 dollars and you must roll more than a 10 to get in."

"Oh geez, not this again. That whole Dungeons & Dragons thing is just stupid. Who really wants to run around pretending to be a level 75 nerd?" asked Peter

"It helped me get laid with Suzie Biggleswan, oh man, those SNGs." said Quagmire

"SNG? What is that, a bra size i've never heard about?" asked Peter

"No Peter, it's stands for Sexy nerd girl. I told her she could've leveled up if she slept with me." said Quagmire

"And did she?" asked Joe

"Hell yeah she did! Alright!" said Quagmire.

"Oh well, I still don't like D&D." said Peter

"So give us another question, Peter." said Joe

"Ok um, ok. Black or gay?" asked Peter

()()()()

The next day at James Woods high, Meg was walking through the halls when Neil

Goldman came up to her with his medival costume.

"Hello Meg, want to be my fair maiden at the Dungeons & Dragons convention?" asked Neil

"Neil, we've been through this, i'm not into D&D!" said Meg

"Meg, you should understand that I am an expert swordsman on Skyrim and I have every item on World of Warcraft." replied Neil

"Neil, didn't you remember that time we went to the water park and you tried charming Taylor Swift with that talk?" asked Meg

(Cutaway)

About 5 girls were sitting at the pool, with Taylor Swift in the centre.

"Oh my god, those boys are so cute...too bad they already have girlfriends. I'm gonna dedicate my whole next album to them." said Taylor.

Then Neil came up.

"Hey there, Miss Swift. Want to be swiftly carried away with me?" asked Neil

"Oh god, I hate nerds. Nerds suck! But i'm such a nerd too." said Taylor

Just then, 2 boys, named Phil and Ben, pushed Neil into the pool.

"Hahaha! Sucker!" said Ben

"Oh look, there's a quarter on this nerdy girl's back!" said Phil

Phil unintentionally undid Taylor's bikini top, and Taylor ran off embarrassed from being stripped.

"Oh gee, her boobs sure are lopsided." said Phil

(End cutaway)

As Neil walked away, Meg had a long look on her face.

"Aw, I need a boyfriend." said Meg

She walked into physed class and stood next to her friends. All the physed teachers came out except for Meg's.

"Good morning students, today, Miss King isn't here, she's at gay camp to be treated for being a lesbian, but today, we have your new Physed teacher, mr. Bronson.

Mr. Bronson walked out. He was a big, muscular guy in a track suit, with blonde hair. Meg instantly fell in love.

"Now we go out and run laps, ya?" said mr. Bronson


	2. Lop-sided Boobs

Chapter 2 - Lop-sided boobs

Later that day, when Peter got off work, the first place he went was Mort's Pharmacy.

"Afternoon Mort." said Peter

"Good afternoon Peter. You want this month's issue of Playboy?" asked Mort

"Sure." said Peter

"Here it is."

Peter looked at the front cover.

"Taylor Swift caught topless, check out some lop-sided boobs. Jeez, I feel sorry for her stepdad." Peter put down his debit card. While he went through the transaction, a nerdy guy walked in.

"Do you have any Trojans, I am going on a quest for a fair maiden and i'm going to show her how a level 75 red mage commits adultery." said the nerd

"Oh geez, are you one of those Dungeons & Dragons nerds?" asked Peter

"How dare you insult me!" said the nerd

"How dare you insult me!" Peter joked "Whats there to insult? Your powers aren't real!"

Peter laughed

"I will show you the power of 5 magics! Give me alchemy! Give me wizardry! Give me sorcery, thermatology, and electricity! Master all of these! Bring him to his knees!" yelled the Nerd

"Wow, didn't he just copy Megadeth right there?" asked Mort

"Hehehe, he did! See you later! Nerd!" said Peter

As Peter walked out onto the sidewalk, a car being driven by Ashley Olsen backed into him.

"Oh my god! Did I hit someone?!" exclaimed Ashley

"You did! I saw the whole thing, hang on!" said Gloria Allred, walking up. "Are you ok?"

" I'm Ashley Olsen, I was on Full House! Of course i'm ok!" said Ashley, driving off.

Gloria looked down at Peter.

"Are you alright, sir?" asked Gloria

"Not until I master 5 magics and defeat that nerdy bastard!" said Peter

Meanwhile at the end of phys-ed class, all the girls had gathered at the hole in the room that led to the men's showers. They were spying on Mr. Bronson showering.

Meg walked up and noticed.

"Whats going on?" asked Meg

"Nothing that would concern you, Meg." said Connie

Meg then pulled Connie away from the hole and threw her on the ground.

"My peep-hole now, bitch." said Meg, to which Connie ran away.

Then Meg looked in on Mr. Bronson.

"Ya, my shower done, I must go get changed." Mr. Bronson said

"He's coming!" yelled one girl

The girls bolted away from the hole, stampeding Meg in their efforts. Meg was laid out on the floor. Mr. Bronson walked out, and found Meg laying in a bloody heap.

"Oh no, Zis will not do." Mr. Bronson then took off his towel and rubbed Meg's wounds with it.

"Zhe is bleeding all over. I must get zee clothes off." said Mr. Bronson, taking off Meg's clothes and then rubbing the towel over her.

Mr. Bronson then walked out of the room that led to the boy's showers with Meg's barely covered body, and walked through the gymnasium to the medical office, shocking everyone in the gym.

Mr. Bronson looked at all of them.

"Vhat the F- iz your problem!? It's a Cartoon, people!" He yelled out


	3. Is peter really cursed?

Chapter 3 - Is Peter really cursed?

Lois walked into the house to find Peter in a red mage robe.

"What! Peter, what the hell is this?" asked Lois

"D&D convention! I got cursed! I gotta get back that nerd who cursed me!" said Peter

"Cursed you? Peter, what the hell are you talking about? You can't be cursed like that!" said Lois

"Oh yeah, Lois? I didn't win on my scratch ticket, Clinton from What not to wear hit on me, and I lost my job as a games cordinator at the bible camp."

(Cutaway)

Peter is watching a bunch of kids play Guitar Hero. The camp leader walks up.

"Oh hey, Pastor Jan." said Peter

"Peter, what are the kids playing?" asked Jan

"Guitar Hero." said Peter

"Which one?" asked jan

"Metallica." said Peter

"What song?" asked Jan

"Jump in the Fire." said Peter

"You're fired!" said Jan

"No, it's jump in the fire." said Peter

"No! you're fired." said Jan

"No, i'm not the fire, it's jump in the fire." said Peter

"Just get out of here, please." said Jan

(end Cutaway)

"Oh well Peter, at least you didn't lose your job at the brewery." said Lois

"Aw geez, working at the brewery is a curse. Angela's on me all the time, Hey, by the way, what's for supper?" asked Peter

"Oh, I got a good deal on some genetically modified vegetables from a christian farmer on the outskirts of town." said Lois

Lois took a talking tomato and a talking cucumber out of the paper bag. They started to speak.

"Hey kids! I'm Bob the tomato!" said the tomato

"I'm Larry the cucumber." said the cucumber

Lois grabbed a knife from a drawer and started cutting up the tomato. He yelled and screamed as he landed in the salad.

"You know Peter, you should really drop this deal about getting a kid back. You're not cursed." said Lois

"Aww geez Lois, i'm still not sure. Things have been awful odd lately." said Peter

Lois picked up the cucumber and sliced it up. It screamed and yelled too.

"Ow! Not my little gherkin!" yelled out the cucumber.

()()()()()()

Back at the school, Meg laid in the bed. Mr. Bronson helped heal up her cuts.

Then Meg woke up and realized she was half-naked and Mr. Bronson was in a towel.

"Oh my god, what happened?" asked Meg

"You were knocked out, probably being stampeded by a bunch of schoolgirls spying on Mr. Bronson taking his shower, ya?" asked Mr. Bronson

"Oh no, Mr. Bronson, we wern't doing that!" said Meg

"you like my big austrian muscles, no?" asked mr. bronson

"No...I mean.."Meg was cut off before she could proper her reply

"So, you're a lesbian, ya?" asked Mr. Bronson

"No, i'm bi!" said Meg

"Oh..." said Mr. Bronson

"Hey...you're kinda cute." said Meg

"I...I never heard a girl call me cute before, ya?" asked Mr. Bronson "My name's Hans."

"I'm Meg." said Meg

Meg and Hans stared into each others eyes with love.

()()()()

Back home, Peter continued to train in a montage with Megadeth's 5 magics song playing in the background.

_Bestow upon me knowledge wizard_

_all knowing, all wise_

_i wanna rule this kingdom_

_make sweet the breeze now defiled_

_dethrone the evil prince's iron fists_

_in velvet gloves of sin_

_parade the grey robed monks_

_the vestal virgins, wheel the wyverns in_

Peter's montage was cut off by Dave Mustaine walking into the room.

"Holy crap! Dave Mustaine!" said Peter

"Hey Peter, I heard you got fired for letting the kids play that Metallica song I wrote before they ditched me." said Dave

"Oh yeah, about that." said Peter

"Yeah, you know, Bob Larson drove that way out of proportion. It wasn't a satanic song."

(Cutaway)

Bob Larson was talking to a bunch of kids wearing Metallica shirts.

"You realize you are all walking billboards for the Devil!" Bob yelled

"Sure. And you're just a Christian Oprah wannabe who wants ratings but you're always

getting your ass kicked!" yelled one of the kids

"Sure, and while i'm in Heaven, you'll be burning in Hell!" retorted Bob

"And all because i'm a Metallica fan? I thought God said 'Love thy neighbor as

thyself for God loves all.' and you're telling me God hates me?" said another

Metallica fan

"I didn't say that." said Bob

"You said I was gonna burn in Hell, that doesn't sound very loving." said the fan

"Whatever, You obviously don't want to dwell in the house of the Lord. And by

the way, Talk-back is on at 8PM on Radio 1420 on your A.M. dial on Friday

nights, be sure to tune in!" Said bob, walking off

"Metal up your ass!" yelled one of the other fans at bob as he sulked away

(End Cutaway)

"It was about fire-water alcohol and how it was tempting me." said Dave

"Oh ok. So now those fundamentalists can stop freaking out." said Peter

"Yeah, just wanted to set the record straight." said Dave

()()()()

Lois waited for Peter to get into bed that night.

"Hey Peter, i'm in bed and i'm dying to get laid tonight." Lois said with temptation in her voice.

"I'm here, fair maiden." said Peter, walking into the room

"Peter, enough with the D&D crap." said Lois

"Lois, i'm a red mage, level 50, i'm almost ready to defeat the evil prince's iron fists in velvet gloves of sin." said Peter

"Well, why don't you send your velvet gloves of sin into my hole?" Lois said, attempting to tempt Peter

"Oh no, Lois...that's gross." said Peter

"Peter, you've done it a million times." said Lois

"No I haven't" said Peter

"Peter, I want you to stop this D&D non-sense. You're not turning me on." said Lois

"Aww geez Lois. You know, at one time I thought the D&D guys were just nerds but then they really cursed me. So now I have to beat them at their own game to restore my honor. And I have to do it. I'm sorry you have to go through this too, Lois." said Peter

"Good night." Lois disappointingly said.

The lights went off. Lois sniffed the air.

"Peter, what's that smell?" asked Lois

"Oh, I farted." said Peter.

()()()()()()()()


	4. DnD Convention

Chapter 4 - the D&D Convention

Peter walked through a crowd of young people dressed up as medival characters.

"That Greg guy better be here. Geez, I hope I don't screw up like I did on Bonanza."

(cutaway)

"And...Action!" the director yelled offscreen

"Dad-burnit, you sure do smell good." said Peter, dressed as Hoss Cartwright.

"i'm sorry, can't say the same about you." replied the director

"Well i've been out in the...field...hanging...hides and...shit."

(Cutaway ends)

Peter looked over and Greg was awaiting, sitting in a chair.

"Griffin, come sit down here lest you value your honor." Greg yelled out

Peter walked over

"Ok listen up, gregory, i've been training..." peter was cut off

"it's Greg! Dare you say Gregory again, my words will be piercing like a dragon's fire!"

"huh, well, at least that wasn't as bad as when i slept with Britney's spears"

(Cutaway)

"Make sure you bring them back just the way you found em." said a girl, handing peter some spears

"ok, thanks Britney." peter replied

(end cutaway)

"Well, it's time! prepare to die!" Peter yelled in Greg's face.

(2 minutes later)

"Hah! My iron sword of Solitude of Skyrim cuts off your head! I win!" yelled Greg

"Ah that's crap, I had a Titan vest and enchanted neck chain armor! I should've been safe!" said Peter

"No, no, you see, I had the star of penetration." said Greg

A faint giggity could be heard.

"And that disregards any defense you may have!" Greg added.

"So, so you just made this up as you went along!" said Peter

"Sure." said Greg

"well, make this up!" Peter ripped the sword from Greg's hands and really decapitated him.

"There! Make that up!" Peter yelled out. he began to walk away from the convention with a huge smile on his face.

As Peter was walking out, Joe Swanson rolled up.

"Peter! A kid just got decapitated! Did you see who did it?" asked joe

Peter looked around, saw a black kid, and pointed and said "he did it."


	5. Meg's date gone horribly wrong

Chapter 5 - Meg's date gone horribly wrong

Meg and Hans were sitting at a table at the fancy restaurant.

"Awww, you are so cute with your accent." said Meg

"hm-hm, you are zo cute with de hat." said Hans

"You love my hat?" asked Meg

"Why yes!" said hans

"Do you love my eyes?" asked Meg

"Yes, I love you as much as Flipper loved the ricks family."

(Cutaway)

The scene is from the 60's tv show flipper.

offscreen, you can hear flipper doing happy dolphin noises. then sandy runs into the

scene.

"Damn it, flipper! stop rubbing yourself up against dad's boat! you're gonna make a hole in her hull!" Sandy yelled out

A faint giggity could be heard.

(end cutaway)

"So hans, i need to ask you a favor." said meg

"Vvv-what is it, meg-han?" asked Hans

"it's just meg." said meg

"zorry." said hans

"i need to get laid...please! please! please have sex with me!" meg grabbed han's jacket.

"jeez, you're more demanding Zan dose jemina's witnesses." said hans

"oh sorry, but can you?" asked meg

just as meg let go of hans, lucca from chrono trigger walked into the shot.

"i may have something to say about it." said lucca

"Who the f-k are you?" asked meg

"i'm lucca from chrono trigger, you know, that really awesome SNES game?" asked lucca

"you look like that nerdy girl from 3 ninjas; high noon at mega mountain!"

(cutaway)

Amanda from 3 ninjas; high noon at mega mountain is typing on a computer.

she hacks into the rides with her personal laptop.

"Yes! dang i'm good!" says amanda

off-screen, the director says "Cut!"

amanda takes off the glasses, and resumes being chelsea earlywine.

"oh my god, just a few more days of this and i'll be doing disney channel movies."

then hulk hogan walks into the shot.

"a few more days of shooting and i'll be the hottest thing in wrestling again!" says hulk

Then the camera pans over to loni anderson.

"when this becomes a smash hit, i'll finally have gotten back at burt reynolds!"

(end cutaway)

"You callin' me a nerd, bitch? you know what it's like to be insulted for your thick glasses? you know what it's like to be asked if you can see the dark side of the moon? you want to know how many pink floyd jokes i've heard!?" lucca started to freak out.

"I don't care, this is my boyfriend! you can't have him!" Meg shouted out

"ok, you asked for it! Marle! Double Tech antipode!" lucca yelled

Meg was instantly set ablaze, running around on fire. then marle froze her solid.

"i'm gonna take you home and keep you in the freezer." lucca dragged meg away.

Meanwhile, hans picked up a playboy magazine.

"Wow. Zey are lopsided."


End file.
